Friday, 18 November 2016

It's okay not to be okay

I feel like every blog post I have written recently starts with me apologising for not being a good blogger and frequently writing posts. Well, this time there is no apology. I'm not sorry for taking a break since last time, and promising that I will post more frequently. My last blog post covered a little bit of what's happening/has happened in my life recently but didn't go into detail as that wasn't the point of that post. This one is a personal explanation, despite people probably not caring that I've fallen off of the blogosphere, this post is mainly for me to be able to look back on in years to come and realise everything that I think is so hard and terrible now, was actually amazing and something I should be extremely proud of myself for. 

For me the last two and a half months have been an absolute whirlwind of happiness, excitement, stress and sadness. I am now an independent individual at the age of 21, and despite still being so scared about that fact, I am growing to love it. So, what's happened you're probably wondering. Well...

 I have started a new 'proper' job. I have embarked on my career. Unlike many young adults that graduate from uni, I haven't gone on an amazing adventure around the world. I decided to start my career and really focus on my goals and what I want from life, although I do have the travel bug, and am craving wonderlust adventures around the world. I am a career woman, anyone that knows me will be aware that I work, a lot, and very hard. I have since my first job at the age of 17. I have worked myself to the bone on many occasions, which many have admitted they wouldn't have been able to do. But I am a career woman, despite the moaning that I have done in the past four years, I haven't stopped. I have pushed myself so hard to the point that I was able to achieve something amazing at such a young age. I am proud of myself to getting where I am right now, it has not been easy at all. But I can look back and proudly say that I have worked my ass off for it. I am a big believer that if you truly want something, you won't sit there and wait for it to be handed to you on a plate, you will go out there and seize every opportunity possible until you finally get what you're after. And when you do get what you want, don't stop working. I am now working full time, in the industry that I have thrived to be in the past four years, and i'm very proud of that. 

Although I moved out three years ago for university, I have officially moved out of my family home. I now live on my own in a lovely flat, in a beautiful location. This has probably been the hardest part of the past two and a half months, and something I am still very much getting used to. Living on my own wasn't something I ever thought I was capable to do, my mental health is quite poor to be truthfully honest, so the thought of living on my own absolutely terrified me. I thought I would be constantly lonely, I would be scared that I would be forgotten about and quite frankly just didn't want to do it. But due to circumstances that were out of my control, I had the choice to either live on my own, live with random people or stay at home with my family. For me, although I absolutely love my family to pieces, but the thought of moving back to somewhere that I had left for a reason - it felt like a complete step backwards and something that I just didn't want to do. My family are very understanding and will always push me to do anything I want to, so I had their complete support through all of this. Living with random people also wasn't something that I really wanted to do, I haven't had great living experiences, despite having a lot of high points through university, there were also a lot of low points that I really do not want to relive. I felt like I had no option but to live on my own. With support and encouragement from some of my friends that have lived on their own, I just did it. If I hated it, there would always be other options and I know that I am always welcome at my family home in case everything does go terribly wrong. I have now lived in my flat for about a month and a half, and despite having set backs. I am finally starting to settle in. I enjoy having my own space, to do whatever I want in, I've made it my own space and filled it with things I love. It is still a working progress and doesn't just yet feel like home, but it is getting there and something I knew wasn't going to happen overnight. My friends/family and boyfriend have been supportive with this huge change and I feel I probably couldn't of done it without them. 

And finally, in the past two and a half months I've got into a new relationship. Despite my other stress's I've been experiencing the past two months, this has been a very happy and exciting two months for me. My boyfriend, Conor is an absolute sweetheart and has been so supportive throughout all these changes that have been taking place. He has helped me through so much and filled the past couple of months with laughter and happiness, as well as being a shoulder to cry on when I've really needed some support. He makes me feel confident and proud to be who I am, and what I've achieved. I've been very open about my mental health with Conor and he is so understanding and gives me amazing advice. He has made me realise that it is okay to not be okay, and all the emotions I am feeling are perfectly normal. Without him, this whole process would have been a lot harder.

I'm still learning a lot about how to manage a full time job with having a lifestyle, how to live on my own and enjoy my own company and how to embrace being an independent young woman. But I'm trying to get myself into a positive mindset and realise that all this change isn't as scary as I thought and that it is wonderful and I should be extremely proud of myself. 

I was having a read through blog posts today and I saw this beautiful quote on Paula's blog post. It just really stuck with me, I feel that I can really relate to this quote at the moment and it's going to be something for me to remember when things aren't easy. I hope if you're reading this and going through a tough time that this quote fills you with confidence, and please remember that it's okay to not be okay.

'Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all the obstacles, discouragements and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak' 
- Thomas Carlyle



  1. Reading this took me back to my early twenties. You're going to be just fine, Abi! ☺️
    Angharad x

    1. That's actually really lovely to hear! Thank you Angharad x

  2. You took the choice to follow the path you are on, it was never going to be a straight road, you have faced many a twist and turn and even a few dead ends but you now have a new set of maps and the journey ahead of you will still have plenty of twists a few roundabouts on this journey. Are you ready we dont know but you now have Connor in the passenger seat for the next part of your life's adventures. Enjoy the trip and by overcoming the obstacles you will face YOU will become stronger.

    We both love you lots and are very proud of what you have achieved so far in life. xx

  3. Oh Abi i completely get this. mental health is a funny old thing and i don't think people really understand until they've experienced it themselves, Im so glad you're settling in. The thought of living on my own is something I've considered a few times but I'm still at the stage of talking myself out of it! Hopefully will be moving out with my boyfriend soon, which is very exciting but terrifying also! xx

    1. it is indeed a funny thing, one day I will feel great and in control of everything, and the next I will be crying over nothing. I'm not 100% loving living on my own yet, but i'm slowly getting there - it's mainly money that is the issue. That'll be great, definitely really exciting :) x

  4. Your story resonates - I think it is very brave to take decisions and take responsibility for the consequences of your own acts. We may feel weaker at times but I know things get better with time; we just need to withstand difficulties for a while. Keep the faith lovely, everything pans out x

    Margaux ⎮

    1. Thank you Margaux, that is really lovely to hear! x

  5. Well done you for writing this - and for doing so bloody well for yourself. You should be proud chick :) x

    Always, Alice


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